Referee, that's Me

“Give me that ball! It’s mine!” 

Tyler screams at his younger brother Frank. 

Frank clasps the ball with renewed vigor. “I want it!” 

“Mom, tell Frank to get off of my side of the car!” 

“You took a bite of my cookie!” 

Teen aged Ralph joins the fiasco; 

“You two are both in my room, get out and never come back.” 

“Mooooommmm, Ralph is being mean!” 

 

Why Children Fight? 

1. Understanding why children fight is in part explained by learning the developmental stages of children. Toddlers are becoming increasingly independent and do not understand how to share yet. This means they will defend their toys; if a sibling who comes along and takes their toy, a battle may be imminent. Set the stage: Prepare your playroom with your child’s boundaries in mind. “Frank, this corner will be for Tyler’s toys only; while the toys in that section are for both of you to share.” And then because you know how much fairness is important to a grade-school child you add, “Frank, you may keep your special toys in the corner by the window." 
2. You may not realize what an affect your attitudes and mannerisms are on your children. Be sure to model the behavior that you want them to mimic. If you are aggressive and protective of your items, then you may see that behavior acted out in your children. “Tyler give that to me, it is my hairbrush!” A mom scolds loudly as she snatches the brush out of Tyler’s hands. Modeling a sharing attitude is important; but if the parent doesn't want the child to use the their hairbrush; they can gently redirect him. “Tyler, usually you will want to use your own hairbrush I bought you. And Mommy can use her own.”
3. Children notice the way they are treated and will notice if a sibling is treated special. Be sure to explain why certain ‘preferential’ treatment exists. For example: Joe has diabetes and gets special ice cream bars while the rest of the family gets regular, (boring) ice cream bars. The parent may be trying to give Joe a normal experience of enjoying ice cream by purchasing ice cream bars that are low in sugar or have a sugar replacement, while the family enjoys any kind of ice cream bars. To the other children it can appear that Joe is getting the best kind. Be sure to educate the children about diabetes and how to best help Joe maintain optimal blood sugar levels; if the entire family becomes involved they may feel united as though they are on a team and it may decrease the jealousy. 
4. Each child is unique and has a different personality. Some children may annoy each other because of their different personalities. The parent should try to see the differences in their children and explore ways to help them best function together. Focus on the positive side of the differences and teach children how to problem solve so that as they grow older they will able to put these social skills into action with their peers. Hopefully children can be taught to appreciate one another’s attributes; and learn how to work with the more challenging ones. Try For Fun Take turns focusing on various attributes in a given day. For example: Generous day – See how generous each child can be today. Or Helpful day - enjoy seeing how many times you can help one another. Pick a character trait from each child to honor once a week.

Chart of Attributes  

achiever	educated	involved	risk-taker
adventurous	energetic	Joyful	seeks improvement
alert	enterprising	Kind	sees the whole picture
Ambitious	enthusiastic	leads others	self-confident
aspiring	entrepreneurial	Loyal	self-giving
athletic	faith in life, in others	mature	selfless
aware of opportunities	flexible	modest	self-reliant
Calm	focused	Motivated	Sense of Humor
Candid	forgiving	objective	Sensitive
Caring	friendly	observant	serious
Charitable	generous	open-minded	sincere
Cheerful	Gentle	Optimistic	Spiritual
completes	Goodness	organized	stamina
Considerate	graceful	Patient	strength, strong
constructive	Gracious	Peaceful	stress-free, relaxed
cooperative	grateful	perseveres	sympathetic
courageous	hard-working	Persistent	systematic
Courteous	Helpful	personable	takes others point of view
Creative	high goals	polite, mannered	Tenacious
decisive	honest	practical	Thoughtful
deliberative	Hopeful	punctual	tolerant
Delightful	humble	realistic	tough
Determined	Humility	regular	trusting
Devoted	imaginative	other(s) positive	trustworthy
Diligent	initiates (has initiative)	reliable	unpretentious
disciplined	innovative	resourceful	unselfish
does what is necessary, right	Insightful	respectful	well-behaved
dynamic	Intelligent	responsible	Wise
interested		Wonderment

Chart of Attributes can be found at: 

• http://www.sacredheartboise.com/graphics/staff/jwokersien/PositiveAttributesDirections.pdf 
• http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/sibling_rivalry.html#