Sibling Rivalry - Am I Not Good Enough?

“Johnny you are doing such a good job making your bed.” Mom encouraged as four year old Johnny finished pulling the covers up on his bed. “I am very proud of you!”

 Annie, had finished making her bed too and tugged on Mommy’s hand. “Come see, me do mine too.”

Mommy walked into Annie’s room and sighed in frustration. Why couldn’t Annie try as hard as Johnny did? Her bed always looked lumpy and bumpy. She wanted to praise Annie but she couldn’t encourage sloppiness, could she?

Each child is unique. 

And craves praise and love. 

1. Realize that each child progresses at different rates through the developmental milestones. A child may try very hard to accomplish a given task and yet fall short of what a parent thinks is acceptable. 
2. Try to find something you can praise each child for. For example: Sweeping the floor, setting the napkins or plates or silverware out. Praise them just for being who they are. Encourage their efforts even when they may not be as well done as an adult or another sibling. 
3. Comparing one child against another will only bring about anger, jealousy and resentment. Let them compare against their prior results or against the timer. (You made your bed much better today than last Friday, you are getting so good! I like how you arranged your toys so nicely and quickly.) 
4.  Sometimes it is not reality but imagination that has a child feels less cared for than another. Yet the emotions and results are the same.
5. When a parent plays favorites; it affects all the children involved. 

• The less favored children may feel low self-esteem, as though they can never do anything right so why even try. Studies have shown that if a child feels less loved, they are prone to drugs, alcohol or other undesirable habits. 
• The child treated special may be frustrated and angry knowing that his/her siblings will resent him/her for being treated different. That child may want to be treated just like his/her sisters and brothers rather than suffer a rift between them and their siblings. 

Steps to Take 

Spend time with each child separately, doing something they enjoy. Verbalize your love for each child. Spend time playing and doing activities that are fun as a family. When they fight

1. Don’t take ‘sides’. 
2. Simply let them work it out without stepping in unless they get physical, call names, or take an item. 
3. Separate them until they have calmed down. 
4. Remind them to use their words to express how they feel; (no name calling), rather than being physical. 
5. Prevention is key if one child gets easily angered. Teach your child to walk away from the other if they are getting too heated up. They can talk about it when they are both calmer. 
6. Teach them to respect each other’s space/boundaries. If a child goes into their own room, it needs to be off limits to the other child. 
7.  Model ways to work through disagreements in your own relationships. 

 *** (If a child takes another child’s toy, or breaks it; they must make things right. It is important to know there are consequences for damaging or breaking something belonging to another. Perhaps doing the other child’s chores for a week; or using his/her own allowance to buy a replacement, or giving up one of their own toys may be what is needed.)

Resources:
http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/sibling_rivalry.html
http://www.empoweringparents.com/siblings-at-war-in-your-home.php